Evidence of All I Don’t Have… Yet

21 May

I knew there had to be more comprehensive work done than previously; the work of seeing myself more truthfully than I had before would require superior efforts. To recapitulate my life that I might seize pathologies & patterns that had eluded my conscience, yet came to define me yearly, monthly, weekly, daily, minute to minute, second to second, straight to my current state. I seek what’s beyond the visible “2+2=4” conclusions to be drawn. I need broader mathematics to grasp the subtler alchemy of my mind, body & spirit.

All variables are up for question and scrutiny, down to the last word, letter & number, beginning with my honest motivations for drafting the concept and the true aim of its structure, down to the intended meanings of the words “reclaim”, or “rebuild”, and how they really reveal what eyes I customarily give to my known myself, the self I don’t know, or refuse to see and willingness to own my actual agendas. It’d take more surrender than I’d ever been called to make.
Behind any physical or metaphysical phenomenon is a formulaic equation that can appear to be “Magic” & “Sorcery” –Rainbows, Squalls, lightening or it’s thunder all simply intricate zeniths of measured forces & elements, seen & unseen.

With that, any legitimate accounting of my attentions and intentions will welcome a good long look at the real book of my natural fundamentals of forces & elements, inward and outward, the accurate values of measures & masses in my former equations, the independent & self-organizing figures ledgered in the unconscious psyche; the obvious & the elusive numerical archetypes I’ve folded into my math crudely, like, One as the sun, Two as my duality, Three as the Holy Trinity, Four as the elements, or my directions, etc, the facets of my predispositions, including my caricatures and parodies of all those properties, the inner masks of body, mind & spirit that I’ve used to wholesome or unhealthy ends. I contemplate how to convert conclusive calculations into practical causative actions, and laugh at smashed remnants of my immediate, soon dashed, estimations of what I supposed the additions, multiplications, divisions & 3rd powers would beg.

Initially, I was determined to wage a brutally honest scouring of the past six years or so… but then, maybe actually the last seven to eleven years… well, probably the lionshare of the last two decades… upon better consideration; back to my High School years… better still, my early teens, ah heck, Middle School, Elementary School, Preschool… Y’ know, actually, I’d have to go much further back than all of those. I’d have to go back as far as I could remember, or further, back to my very beginnings, beyond, to the progenitors who made them, those who handed down their hearts to mine. That’s a proper portion of victory’s price in this battle, incalculable until the smoke clears.

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