More about my Scarlet Queen of Hollywood:
December 1, 2016
I float adrift, as is my pose, from birth
With masks I use to shield my heart from mother earth,
Her dangers and her pains, like choosing when she rains
A deep water self, a tidal flowing firth
I’ve kept one want, and not surrendered dreams
That haunting light that whispers with its beams
A love I tasted young, when my worn heart had me hung
With no objections but my silent screams
She’d been the one to know my mind like hers
While I was cultivating my cool curse
The tragic I held dear, for reasons made unclear
Each downfall like a cold coin in my purse
Sounds foolish, but I missed her held out heart
Almost from our first moments, from the start
Afraid of her warm power, her light could make me cower,
And, I only knew to hide mine and depart
For years rolled into more years, she kept place
Her mark on me has always gripped its space
Through journeys of the heart, in lives, we, worlds apart
Her essence always there, to trust and trace
So, as tables that will turn keep turning ‘round
As lost to her I was, I now am found
I’ve always said I’m free, the truth is I fear me;
I sang a King’s soul songs, dying, proudly crowned
She sought me out, from fire our union burst
Fast finished with our lesser loves lived first
To call upon our past, end separateness at last
As, finally, I was set to end my thirst
Sometimes universal magic hits a height
Surpassing all one ever thought it might
Unfolding deep held wants, or holiest of haunts
To realize old dreams brought back to light
I watch her face, her big brown eyes that smile
I feel her caring heart that does beguile
She kisses away my fear, to touch my need brought near
Our souls we wed, we finally walked the aisle
I’ll never leave her, never let her go
It’s something I don’t have to try to know
She’s in me, like my breath, and will be until death
My name was meant for me to her bestow
It’s only she that shakes these pledges free
Or makes this living valuable to me
I’m fortunate, I know, it’s always come to show
God’s magic is reserved for us to see
To our legend, our mystic law I give a smile
To greatness I’ll make home, as it’s my style
To love; command of His, be loved, that’s all there is
She’s first and last, and has been all the while
On August 20th, 2016, Scarlet McDonald and I were finally joined in marriage. It’s the fate we’d known fairly immediately we were born to. We had the sense of Divine plans that guided us together, apart and back together for, well frankly, eternity. So, this was another pretty momentous day, and in this life, like so many others, we each married our best friend.
To one another we were married long before that day and from that date forward, forever married we’d still be. We are one. I mean, it really is that our souls were made or formed together in the pit of a universe sized Great Spirit forgery; an origination that ordained our union for eternity, the same kind of way our land, our ancestors and all the Celtic Saints had convened to bless it, our inevitable reunion in this lifetime.
From there to here… from the beginning of there…
In the spring of 2001 I was “rolling in it”, as can be taken to mean a number of things in the context of that time, but I mean it here to say I was flush, ahead, winning the game. I’d filmed a pilot for a VH1 show that picked me up but didn’t ultimately pick up the show and I had just been paid out on my pay or play contract for 7 episodes I never had to film. I’d just started receiving my residuals for an NBCi dot com advertisement I’d finished about 6 weeks before and the 13 week cycle was proliferating like a rushing river on the airwaves, and the checks were flowing just as nicely. I’d just moved into a lease to own home with my best friend and guitar player Derek Frigo and we’d been recording our album under the band name U4EA in our $200,000 living room studio with producer and other roommate Dave Hensey. We had money, cars, musical and recording equipment galore, great songs, meetings with record label heads, and bright shining horizons ahead… Oh yeah, and we’d started to use cocaine in all of its various forms and been doing so for a few months after having been clean and sober for 3 years each. We were the after “Rainbow Bar and Grill” party house for all comers, we had 4 dealers hitting our house per day at about 6 hour intervals, and we had friends and girls who came and went, blew up and hailed out, while we steadily went on at professional level, seemingly immune to the downfalls others suffered in our midst.
Scarlet had been brought to me. I mean brought to my home anyway, where on any night our place would house any number of Hollywood vampires strolling through our den at all hours. She looked like glitter. She glowed. She was dreamlike. At 22 years she held a charming, graceful confidence that was meant to propose a more sophisticated version of her character, but ended up an inverse display of its intent that was utterly compelling. You’ll catch me using the word compelling in reference to her maybe overly so. In truth, I was captivated. But i faltered a bit, just coming off the tail of a recent romantic failure, well, let’s not say failure, but at least a hindrance to getting full grasp of the gift of her, or, rather, the ability to declare, or claim such a grasp.
She didn’t care, or pay it any mind. It didn’t matter enough to even make mention of my shortfall. Scarlet just stuck right to me, and she stuck, and she stuck, right by me. From the first night under the illumination of Christmas lights strung around our studio/living room, bouncing soft light off her body like a visible aura, into morning and every day onward, we were inseparable, gratefully, happily so.
She insinuated herself into the soul she knew was naturally awaiting her caress inside of me. Beyond my hard guard of heart, beyond my masks for fear and hesitant pain, she knew. She knew way before me, before I consciously could. Scarlet had the vision that originated and relocated us to each other in this lifetime. She had already perceived the arc of our play having been to meet in that very purple painted, velvet couched, teacup poodle pattered Hollywood rock n roll love manse. And we with our immediately, telepathically communicated love for the theatrical lived in and out of the characters we pulled out of one another from the places we shared within. Finding our freedoms in the shadow selves we courted as vehicles for an intensity of connection physically, spiritually, emotionally that I had never before conceived of, and have never since attained.
That is where Scarlet became separate from all others, enigmatic, a phenomenon unto her own. Carrying childhood traumas deep set below my consciousness, blind to my memory, but dictating behaviors and feelings I couldn’t always account for, where intimacy and sex were concerned it was always an emotional strain proceeding into it, and always passing through a shameful doorway coming out of it for reasons I could not yet know. Scarlet’s arrival ended all of that simply, without note or comment, it just wasn’t there anymore with her. There was no balancing of power, no struggle for position, no guarding, no gaming. We were loving equals from the first moment, from the first kiss. The first time we even made love was with all our clothes on and it was soul stirring. And I never really cared much to be anywhere but with her after that, though I was careful to keep hidden what I feared would make too vulnerable a man out of me. She didn’t push for it, she knew, she had me in moments that made clear all other moments were owned by her as well. I loved that comfort.
My identity as Albion became more alive than ever, even as I was a bit of a “Wounded King”, to her “Healing Queen”, it was only Scarlet who could coax me away from any pain and into her heart. This was our ancient ritual, this was our sanctified ceremony, this was our punk rock trash bash, and our simmering sweet serenade to the diamonds of truth and beauty in what we fast became to one another. This was where we first acted according to the manner of the blood of our blood, and where we racked and rattled our shared soul house in the bone of our bone to let our bodies do what our spirits and hearts and minds would always by need and law have done.
Scarlet brought all of my vibrance to life, she knew our entire story like she’d penned it, and at times was the sole holder of the what had yet to be awakened in my head. I always refer back to the the Waterboys’ song, “The Whole of the Moon” because I was the the one then who only saw the crescent. Scarlet saw the whole of the moon. She was Angel to my intrepid demons, instrument to my song, the deliverance of an ideal I had previously only hoped to realize, an ideal to whom all others before and after her would be compared and pale.
And how by dear God could I lose her then you may rightly ask, or let her be lost or fail her grace, you surely MUST ask that, I’ve asked it more days than I can count. It won’t suffice to reduce it to the simple flaws of pure and complicated stupidity, density; the better masks of shortcomings, fear, or an “undeserving man” complex… over and over lamenting her absence with only the feeblest attempts to make known to her that which had not been known… that she was the one… she became the one that got away, or so I thought. The universe, God, providence all work in the most “magical” way sometimes.
It’s never eluded us why the Celtic relationship to the ethereal, the mystic, the profound poetry of spiritual love is central to our millennia of seeking and discovering our twin soul. There’s an endless number of soul types formed and flourishing out in eternity, but as to ours, we are the ones branded in that infinity by the fulfillment of that singular purpose of being. She knew that well. And that is at least one thing I knew too. Our resonance together spoke that like a constant hum. Like a banging drum. like a vintage guitar playing a sacred bar where the pentatonic pulse gives a shiver.
This vibration, this language of ours is like excruciatingly exquisite, long foreplay, throughout a whole day, as intense as being with, touching, seeking more of the core of us, in all my thoughts she is the song. I am full of blood, I know she is there like warm breath. I won’t release it, I live and feed on her, it hurts almost, waiting, sustaining… her sweet hands, her warm center all bring me into her, to home. My home.
Infused with brilliant gold liquid fire blazing, we feel a burn by candle light, red rose lips bit as we lovers sit face to face, eye to eye, cheek to cheek, flushed, and speak soft staring, seducing, inducing, intoxified, intensified, mesmerized… the marrying mouths, hearts dancing feverishly, frenzied ripping clothes, racing pulse, pounding vibration, rhythm.. our dance of tangled bodies pressing deeper, locked, pressurized, pleasurized, tender, sweat, sweetness, surrender, liquid life flows over in pools of love, perfect unity. That has always been our way.
With a gut smashing, sickening regret I sit here, in these current days of tale telling, so many years later… Just try to imagine knowing what you know now, what failures of character and twistings of temperament, heart, and mind would it take to cause in our existence an event that had been long building and foreboding, so fragilely cresting as a wave of darkness, that I would have to bring it forth to break my very self. I would trip my core into a test for the stamp of centuries, for the precisely calculated mystical love that joined us, in order to rupture my psyche and crawl through to the over-acquired, obsolete gristle and dreck that had built its home there, that if I didn’t would always hold me short of loving her to rightful capacity. It was a haunting roll of dice, a fateful throw of the runes on par with triple seven gamble this soul of mine chose to push us both into, the meaning of which we had to know would come to pass and be revealed, but how? When?
As I have consistently trusted her better leading of our souls to union, her clear grasp of our greater purpose in this song our hearts are always singing; anything short of founding and owning the depth of my ability to grab hold of her in the same places she grabs me inside, and carry and nurture her, carry and nurture us; that was the only path toward making our corner of the universe sit right and balanced for good. It was only by killing my self and giving birth to the new that I would be the man she is made for and she deserves. Because it would forever be an intolerable disgrace to the God that made us for one another not to do all that it took for that.
She told me at the beginning of that process that she has always known that man in me, whereas I had yet to find him, or recover him, and even then I was ripping open only by the call of her anguished disconnect, and the needful demand by her essence to bring out of me that which she knew I truly am. Another ‘Scarlet knew it first’.
We’ve followed our guiding spirits, and even the shadows, and even in separations we always will do that because that is who we are in the theatre of our soul stories. Scarlet could command my ailing Albion to become healed because she is the trigger on the God-shotgun that first blasted me into the correction that gave me proper comprehension of our love, honor and the honesty that I wasn’t meant to see otherwise. This was never about surprise, it’s always been about the way we chose to play it out on this muddy ball afloat and spinning ‘round these cosmic starlight painted skies.
And at last, if for nothing but her ready crimson voice, the light of her eyes, her smile that fractures the sky, her laugh that shores up a convivial deficit in any room, her tears that bring our Angels to weep and her heart gripping hold that would infinitely assure this weary man of his true purpose in her. Even the full and raw, crashing wave of her soul eternally enmeshed with mine, are just the mere beginnings of what Scarlet is to my Albion. She is a law. She is my law.
So, yeah, after getting all that out, I’m certain you must know why we call it destined and we say it was due. Like I said, ordained, in every practical way. I won’t say much too affirmatively about what God will do but that one must concede that he brought her as my gift from an old life for the new life in me. If I only know one thing it is that. Of course I went about it all in once again brash, bold, newfound strength, and she being every ounce of beautiful and breathtaking in the fire of her red hair, flashing of her white and blinding glow like the sparkle of a faerie, WE would together always fight beyond the roar of a vast crowd of opposition from the very first, to the very last, into our well won, and hard won dignity, victory, and into the glory of our finally fulfilled, beautiful dream.
Our love has been our journey toward God; and you may be surprised to see me say it’s scarcely begun. As we’ve grown and keep growing to meet its size and stature, we just keep listening and praying that our self-concern and importance become lesser amusements the more we keep in mind the design for our lives and the many more wee bairns we prepare this world to hold. We let our faith grow in our sacred place out on this Highway. We learn more that we can advance down it with deepening peace and confidence. We know God has us protected; that we need fear no evil or critical people or tough situations. And we let this destiny we own be our Creator’s great gift.
Each new day we welcome each opportunity to do some little thing that helps to make us stronger, that brings our Maker’s wish for us to unfold. We take any day’s happenings, good or bad, as reasons to act according to that beautiful purpose. That’s what’s brought our blessings to flow. Figuring out what service to the “Big Guy” who moved the Universe to spin us this personal eternity is just a way to share in His work. It is the nature He built into us to do such wonderful things. It took a long road to get here, a monumental effort to tear up and rebuild this foundation clearing away all past defeat and destruction. It was sometimes only the strength of love we couldn’t even find in desolate moments that pulled us through.
I guess I will have to take you all the the way, way back to fully inform this story with what it’s come to mean to us, our family and to those who loved and supported us in the magic.
So… where to begin…?