I finally Got It

28 Feb

It comes down to what direction people want to go, whether their desired destination is the same,

and if they are willing to take the steps to consciously change the old ideas and habits to progress

toward the goal of healthy, intimate love together.

If what you WANT is to become healthier, loving, gentler, empathetic partners, all of these can be overcome… If you DO NOT WANT a better life, and are unwilling to change anything because its too much of an inconvenience and even the smallest efforts are too much for you to bother with.  BELOW are a few of the emotional pitfalls we can be apt to get into the habit of practicing… none of these BELOW will be overcome without willingness, open mindedness and an honest desire.

  1. Punitive relationships are those where one person punishes the other for behavior that doesn’t align directly with their expectations. The major issue with punitive types is that their instinct is to punish without adequate inquiry, self-inquiry, communication, feedback, or understanding. This belittling approach creates conflict and bad feelings.
  1. Emotional Blackmail is a system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors. In a nutshell, emotional blackmail is a psychological-emotional ransom note that says, “if you don’t do what I want then I will make you hurt”. In order for emotional blackmail to occur there must be four things present – a demand, a threat, a blackmailer and a victim. In general the blackmailer is usually asking for something unreasonable from the victim and which the blackmailer believes she can get – if she applies enough pressure. For this reason emotional blackmail patterns are often cyclical –  with both the blackmailer and the victim learning over time what level of demand will be tolerated without retribution and what degree of blackmail it takes for the victim to comply.
  1. ANYONE who will knowingly hurt you, betray you and deceive you, then become enraged when you object to it, and then tell you how you are to blame for their having done it, will continue to hurt you whenever it suits her needs. The effort to take loving actions is an inconvenience to her, and you can count on the fact that she will, again, say it is your fault she hurt you. She will laugh at or ridicule your feelings, or say you are being dramatic to minimize, dehumanize and gaslight you. Remove yourself immediately from the space. Her intent is to continue to hurt or kill you and claim to not know what you would have to be mad about. Be prepared to always be labeled the “dramatic” one by her, whenever you are emotionally affected by her unbelievably self serving, opportunistic, careless, thoughtless, negative, dehumanizing, destructive actions. Even if she sincerely talks of killing someone, you’d better agree. Even if she attempts to kill herself, you are not allowed to be upset or ever mention that it happened. When the trauma of this protracted treatment over time backs you into a suffocation corner where you have run out of coping skills and you meltdown under the stress of this ongoing trauma, you will have supplied your abuser with the ammunition she needed to “prove” you are the harmful threat, shift attention away from her abusive behavior, discard you and replace you.

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